The Tao of Katy

Have you ever thought of your personal mission statement or personal philosophy?  Not the words that you live by, but the message that your actions tell about you, your personal goals, and what drives you to be... well... you.  The way that you move forward when bad things happen, and how you pursue happiness.

Have you ever really thought about how you think and approach life?

My freshman year in college, I briefly took an intro to philosophy class.  Briefly, because I dropped it 6 weeks in.  When we moved to Colorado five years ago, I found the first assignment given in this class in the very small box of college academic items that I had kept to reference later on (small because I was anything but an academic in college - I didn't keep much).

The assignment:
Write about your personal philosophy & how you believe that you have come to adapt this as the correct way of thinking.

I titled the paper "The Tao of Katy" - which is actually pretty ironic because at the time, I didn't know much about Eastern philosophy and dubbed it such because Tao was the only philosophical reference that I could think of that sounded catchy.  However, as my TA noted after reading my essay, my personal philosophy had many hints of Buddhism and questioned me if I had researched or studied the religion before.  I had not - which I think made the difference in the grade that I received (an A... the last that I was to get in the class... which was why the class was dropped so quickly).

I recently went looking for the paper again - to remind myself of the exact statements that an 19 year old Katy Bell was trying to establish herself by living out.  See if I was, in part, somewhat successful in training myself to be who I wanted to be back when I was 19.  I must have thrown the paper out - not surprising if you know how much I hate clutter.  However, I have kept in mind for some time the main ideas that I was graded so highly.  A grade that felt like I was getting a "thumbs up" from a professional thinker that if I followed this written personal philosophy, my life would be ok.  (Actually, now that I think about it that way - maybe that's why I was so quick to drop the class when I did so poorly on the first few tests....  Why take a class that makes you feel like your failing at "thinking" when you really just started learning to think for yourself?)

Anyway... if you are still reading, I'm guessing that you are somewhat interested in "The Tao of Katy".  To sum it up, it consisted of four ideas:

1. Believe in Simplicity
2. Remove Hierarchy
3. Allow the world to happen
4. Know that you can control only your actions & reactions - let them be honest

Again, I wish I had the paper to reference - because I know I spent a significant amount of time identifying and dissecting each concept individually. Below is a quick, not nearly as eloquent, description that I am attempting to pull from memory (and there have been a lot of brain cells killed since I originally wrote the paper):

Believe in Simplicity:
There are many reasons why things happen in this world.  You can create story lines and conspiracies, you can create or observe drama to heighten an event or series of events and make it more interesting.  But to believe in simplicity is to understand the root and get rid of the noise.  If you must understand something, know the root as it is what grounds the subject.  The simplest answer is the truth, and everything else  branches from that deep, single reason.

Example: You watch a friend who is in a terrible relationship and wonder what she sees in him.  You see that they are not compatible and you see that they have caused each other pain.  You can not understand her reason for staying in the relationship.  The simplest reason is she is in love.  That love may be built on things you don't understand, but all you need to know is her simple reason for staying in the relationship.


Remove Hierarchy:
There is no better or best, unless in a race or competition.  No one is really better or worse than each other.  We assign those values at moments of weakness.  Instead of giving yourself a value of better/worse than someone, understand that you are equals with differences.   Do not see a person who is in the room with you as competitor just because you are sharing the space.  If you admire something about them, you admire it.  It does not mean that you are less because they do something well.  It means that they do something well, and you could do the same thing well.  Or maybe you don't.  But because they do something well does not mean that you are less of a person than them.  If they have different ideas, it doesn't mean that their ideas are better or worse than yours.  Just different. If someone acts or believes themselves to be better than you, it is because they are not strong enough in their own mind, opinions, perceptions to recognize that you have valid points that may differ from theirs.  Anyone who is in the same room together deserves each other's attention as equals.

Example: Same friend.  You think that because you see her relationship and it's weak points, that you're relationship with your boyfriend/husband/lover is better & happier.   If your relationship fails, you feel an extra edge of disappointment because you see that your friend is holding her "terrible" relationship together - you must be undesirable or terrible at relationships.  In truth, there is no formula that works in relationships.  Each couple has to pave their own way to happiness based on their own needs and wants. 

Sidenote:  I think that this step is especially difficult for women...and that's coming from a woman who consciously reminds herself about this way of thinking



Allow the World to Happen:
If you were not on this earth, it would continue to spin.  Acknowledge that there are things that happen because of other people's decisions, other circumstances, other forces  that may impact you but are not a reflection of you.  Do not get in the way the way of the world- it will only bring stress and frustration into your life. Stress & frustration over these things creates an inner feeling of helplessness because you know within yourself that you had no choice in the matter.  Stress & frustration over such things is choosing stress & frustration, rather than peace of mind that is created by the pure acceptance that something happened.

Example: Same friend.  Her relationship does end (eventually).  You begin to worry for her - how will this breakup affect her future relationships, what kind of impact will this have on her future choices, why the hell did she wait so long to break up with the guy, how much time will you have to spend with her to help her get over this relationship, what can you do to help her get over this guy, why is she dating so quickly after ending the relationship, etc. etc. etc.  You are worrying about her choices, and her decisions - maybe even upset about the fact that she's not taking your opinion to heart when making these decisions & choices.  But it's HER life, that she's living.  Not yours.  She's making the best decisions that are obvious for her at the time (just like staying in the relationship was obvious for her at the time).  By accepting that she probably is considering a lot more things than you realize, and accepting that she is doing what is best for her, you are allowing for her life to continue to develop as it's supposed to AND take all that emotion/worry out of your life.

Great Real Life Example:  Remember Katy & Kendall's wedding during the 500 year flood and how we had to re-plan about 75% of the logistical details the week before the wedding... Yep, I could have let myself be riddled over the stress all the way thru the wedding and let it "ruin our wedding day" as I heard so many other brides say after the Iowa floods.  And I did have one really ugly cry in my friend Amanda's closet (because I didn't want her to see me - it was a really UGLY cry).  But after that, I just acknowledged that it happened and we were still going to find a way to get married.  Which we did, and it was a blast!


Know that You can Control ONLY Your Actions & Reactions - Let Them Be Honest:
Paired closely with the above (Allow the World to Happen), know that your one duty in participating on this Earth and contributing to your family, friends, & colleagues is to be honest in your feelings that create your actions & reactions, but choose kindness as a way to guide them.  You can be angry and speak words that reflect that emotion, but you can choose kind words that further the conversation rather than slamming doors or calling your target cruel names.  When you are not honest in your actions & reactions, you are forcing others to base their actions & reactions off of a lie.  This, in turn, may create other actions & reactions that are lies - a chain of events that was not supposed to be, and something that will lead to the feeling of regret and unhappiness.  Understanding your impact as part of a conversation, and positive nature that being honest and kind - even in moments of  disagreement - is accepting your direct responsibility in your own happiness.

Example:  Same friend.  The very first time that you met her and her now ex, you weren't crazy about the guy.  But when she asked you what you thought about him, you told her that he seemed like a nice guy. You gave your blessing, when you didn't feel good about him - which then may (or may not have)  influenced your friend to keep dating the guy and develop deeper feelings.  If you would have instead said something along the lines of "You know, he seems like a nice guy but I noticed that he seemed to (insert example of the thing that turned you off).  You've shared you don't care for that in the past.  Does that bother you when he does that?" - she may have thought about it a little bit more.  She would have been able to be held accountable for continuing to date a guy (if she would have continued to date him) that had a trait that drives her nuts and you would have been honest with how you felt. 


At the time, it was just an assignment that I was trying to think of principles that could and would apply to philosophy - things that I had recognized in my life or observed in those around me that made or could make a difference.   If I'm 100% honest, I would say that at the time, I remember feeling like I was writing a paper was written with 90% bs filler (most college papers are - or at least mine were... again, not the academic... graduated with a hospitality degree).

Now, as I have gotten older, I realize that these concepts are pretty spot on - for me.  I'm not saying that everyone can or should buy into them. I also am acknowledging  they aren't easy - in fact, I would say that they are pretty damn hard.  The more people that come in and out of my life, the more commitments and responsibilities I take on - it becomes harder and harder to push out the noise, remember that I'm good enough, that I'm not in control of it all, but I can make conscious choices that I can change as needed to make sure that I am being true to who I am. But that's what a personal philosophy is - something to guide you, to push you, to fall back on. Something that you work towards that you may not always, or ever, achieve 100%.  At least I tried.

For the past five years, ever since I've found the original paper, I have had a handwritten post it with the Tao of Katy kept within arms reach of my work computer.  I've kept it close, because I know that I achieve the greatest success when I have reminders. With something as important and intimate as a personal philosophy, I feel it's best to have a daily reminder.  A reminder - this is who I wanted to be, this is how I thought I could get there.

This is how I still think I can get there.