My mother would probably tell you that I was a brat as a teenager.
I won't defend myself against that. Personally, I don't think I was as bad as I could have been. I have friends who were worse. I do, however, know that my mother and I had a lot of conflict, probably more mentally on both of our sides than what was actually battled out in public. I pushed her buttons, hard at times. Harder than I meant too, often. But, to be fair to me, it was a little bit of my mother's making.
Both of my parents instilled in me, at a very early age, a sense of independence. I was never limited in what I could do, I was only limited by what I believed I couldn't do. However this independence, when paired with a teenager's personal self discovery, eventually becomes a parent's worst nightmare. The dreaded "Why Not?!"s.
I had them bad. What was worse was that I didn't hold myself in or allow my parents opinions to curtail the "Why Not?!"s at all. I did what I wanted to do and if for some reason I was stopped (which did happen more often than not- my parents were very observant and had, in fact, been around the block) , I would fall into the depths of teenage angst. I have pages upon pages of diaries written to prove it.
However something amazing happened when I entered college. Those "Why Not?!"s became a functional tool that catapult me into doing some amazing things that I am still proud of. A "why not" guided me to join a sorority where I met some of the most amazing woman who have become lifelong friends. At that point in time in my life, a "why not" led me to see Tenacious D in the Quad Cities during finals week, to steal over 100 lapboards from Curtis hall, and study abroad in Thailand. A socially conscious "why not" told me I should volunteer at a domestic abuse shelter for the Friday night shift. A "why not" posed by several of my friends from the aforementioned sorority led me to take many leadership positions, one of which got me nominated for Greek Woman of the Year (I'm still amazed by that honor even if it was only a nomination- it was more than what was anticipated). And an internal "why not" led me to start a relationship with a senior who was graduating at the end of the term and moving to Chicago. While he fought me on it, I asked him "why not", thus continuing our relationship so far into the future that we continue to wake up next to each other every day as husband and wife.
I used to be great at asking "Why Not?". If I was hesitant about an action, I would simply ask this question in a way that would push me, drive me, and make me think about things in ways that did not come naturally in my thought processes. And sometimes there were very good reasons for me to say no. More often there was not.
I used to be great at asking "Why Not?" Post college, not-so-much. The conflict that I had with my mother has now been driven inside of me and I am, at times, fearful of the "Why Not?!"s. I stopped asking them for a while. I started to lose myself.
Luckily my husband picked up right off where I had and continued to ask "Why Not?. His "Why Not"'s are a little bit more conceivable off the bat, although some were still very scary. His "Why Not"'s often packed as much as possible into one single night or weekend, stretched me a little bit beyond my means at times, but were a hell of a lot of fun making the memories. And he gets the credit for it was his "Why Not"'s that led us to Omaha, and then Fort Collins.
I will admit that I lost myself completely about a year ago. I had a job that was disabling me. A friend once told me that those of us who work in the hospitality industry become unadaptive to other social settings because we are self sacrificing products of the system and come to hate people. At the time, I thought only he had chosen the wrong career path. It took five years, but eventually I too became a shallow shell of an overworked person with no rhyme or reason to why I was still telling people that I "loved" my job.
My husband and close friends tried to intervene. I heard from many people, asking why I didn't just quit. It was the fear of the unknown that kept me from asking that all important "Why not?" of myself. I had a mortgage, two dogs, and a husband in grad school. I had responsibilities. I couldn't ask myself a question that I couldn't let myself honestly answer.
Turns out that when you hate something enough, God will answer those questions for you. I was let go from said terrible job and although I desperately sought out new opportunities of employment, I had the second best summer of my life, filled with new experiences and new friends. My "Why Not?"'s became happy and fun again. Happy hour at 3 p.m. Spend a week and a half back in Iowa visiting family and friends. Start writing for my own pure enjoyment again. Hike, swim, lay in the sun. Challenge myself to read 50 books, which included "War and Peace"... Anything I thought of was something that I was willing to do and try. Mere suggestion would send me running, jumping at an opportunity. I didn't accomplish everything (have you tried to read "War and Peace"?) but that's not how I was measuring my success. I was becoming successful at being a bum who went on occasional interviews and was rediscovering the power of me, being myself, and trying to make myself happy.
Was I really a bum? No. I was actually pretty productive. I did go on a lot of interviews. Apparently I'm great at writing resumes and cover letters, terrible at interviewing. But I did find out a lot about myself this summer. And eventually I did find my new passion in a job that returned me to the non-profit world where I am fundraising, writing grants, and helping children. I almost let a pay cut stop me from taking this position. Almost. Then I thought about all the things that I had found out about myself this summer. I thought about the "why" I was hesitant, and kicked that sucker to the curb. If money was the same reason I stayed in a position that I hated, I wasn't going to let it be the reason I couldn't take a job I would love.
2010 taught me that fearing the "Why Not?"'s in my head doesn't always save me from pain. I should always ask "Why Not?". It's a question that deserves an answer. I also have come to understand that as an adult, sometimes I do need to be responsible, and sometimes I will need to say no. If I do, I should have a good reason to be saying no. Fear of change is not a good reason. It might be the worst.
I've decided that 2011 will be the year that I let myself be taken over by "why not". I'm not a complicated person and most likely the questions that I pose and chronicle will be simple. You may hear a lot about my adventures in cooking (there are a lot of practical why not's in cooking that I usually end up forgetting). It's not like I'm going to up and travel the world (pay cut remember, pay cut = happiness). But I could. If I win the lottery. Or, if I plan ahead of time and start saving. My husband does owe me a honeymoon.
Simply put, in 2011 I want to embrace myself, rejoice in the gifts of how I was raised, and make sure that I believe that I am only limited by that which I say I can or can not do. To me, that's as simple as asking "Why not?!"
