Latest Recruit that I've got to move to Colorado is...

I am sooooo excited to announce that we have a new recruit moving from Iowa to Colorado.  Here's your hint to who it is....

Who else raises their fists to their nose when he is just as equally as excited as we are in this picture?




That's right- my baby brother (who is not really a baby any more , nor does he does he still show his excitement this way but I have a hard time forgetting either of those things;)

Jeff has accepted a position at Wilber-Ellis as a feed marketer.  Only in Colorado does this translate to him marketing brewers malt from breweries to farmers.  He will be based in Golden, CO and his main account will be Coors.  He just became one of the coolest guys I know.  Ok, he already was, but this just solidified the fact.

My list of recruits is growing!  I am starting to wonder when Colorado is going to start to give me a kickback for the tax revenue that I am bringing into this state...

Words can not describe how excited I am to have Jeff live so much closer to me.  But I will try.

There may have been a time that Jeff and I didn't get a long.  Yes- there were times where we fought, were purposely annoying, and even tormented each other.  There was the time that about five members of my high school wrestling team came over to my house and gave him flushy after flushy, just because it amused me.  And there was the time that I came downstairs for a date and Jeff had a choice selection of horrible pictures of me that he was displaying, to which he followed with "Do you REALLY want to date her?"  Or the time that I put pictures of him holding kittens in the high school year book.  I think that one was my favorite.

But ever since I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman, we have been pretty close.  We would go out on "dates" to movies every couple months, just him and I, and talk about things.  We kept that going even when I went away from college.  When he joined me at Iowa State, we did the best we could to line up schedules and see each other.  Even if it was only tailgating when neither of us would really remember.  There were times that I did his laundry for him.  There were times where I bought him beer.  I'm sure you can guess which happened more often, although not as much as one would think.

What I appreciate the most about our relationship is that we've always been extremely honest with each other.  With Jeff, it doesn't matter what I have to say because he'll listen and vice versa.  We've helped each other thru some of the more difficult things in our lives - breakups, job changes, moves to different states, etc.  When something big happens in my life, good or bad, my brother is usually one of the first people - if not the first - that I call.  When I need him to be, he is the voice of reason and his opinions help me put things into perspective.  He has an odd gift for knowing when I don't need a voice of reason, that I just need to be heard.  It's then that he provides an ear and will simply say "I don't know the answer but you seem to have a better gage on what's going on then you think." 

He is the one person that I talk to almost every week. 

My brother is one of my best friends.  It's because of this that I have wanted him to move closer for a very long time.  I thought that closer would only be Omaha or Kansas City.  Which both are still a much cheaper flight than Cedar Rapids.

A year ago he came out for our First Annual Sinterklaas Party up in Frisco (there will probably be a post explaining the Sinterklaas tradition later in the year).  He spent Friday on the mountain snowboarding, and had made sure that he had a few too many cocktails while in the hot tub while waiting for the rest of us to arrive after work.  The majority of us were still sober when Jeff drunkenly proclaimed "Give me a year and a half and I'll be out here."

Now, if I was a betting woman - I would have placed my bet that it wasn't going to happen.  Jeff had told me (sober) many times that he would love to be out in Colorado, but there weren't many job prospects for him out in the Western half of the US.  He needed to be either in the Midwest or even on the East coast.  And I would have also said that I knew my brother well enough to think that he would keep himself on the same job path, that out of the two of us- he was the one who didn't take risks, especially with his career.  I think that everyone in the hot tub just thought Jeff was drunk, on vacation, and a little bit jealous of the life that we got to live on a somewhat regular basis. 

If I had taken that bet, I would gladly be paying up right now.  I'm really glad that he's taking this risk.

I don't know if Colorado or my parents are ready to have the two Bell children living in the same state, but I do know that we will have fun together.  Because its my opinion that everything, including a sibling friendship, seems to be better on a mountain.

Leaving Last Fall Behind*

There seems to be an epidemic of unhappiness within our group of Fort Collins friends right now.  All of it is within reason.  To list off our grievances, without naming who each struggle belongs to, the affects of the following has ripped thru our ranks:  long term relationships have ended, grandparents have passed away, job losses followed by struggles finding a new job, multiple surgeries (planned and unplanned), money issues, parent divorces, stresses with juggling school & work schedules, confronting alcoholic parents, dealing with parents or family members who are making poor decisions, and lets not forget the worry of possible college football conference realignments.  (Okay – that last one should be that big of a deal comparatively to the rest of the list, but for many of the guys in our circle of friends, you would have thought it was.  A welcome distraction I’m guessing).

To say it has been a tough fall would be an understatement.  While our household hasn’t seen the worst of it, many of the items in the above list did hit our home in some way.  At the very least, all of these issues hit home because they were affecting my friends.

What baffles me is that of all the above issues, there is never just one person who is dealing with a type of problem.  Meaning that there isn’t just one friend who lost a grandparent, having surgery, lost a job, etc – there are multiple friends dealing with these issues at the same time.  Some issues are dealt with more silently than others, and some couldn’t be hidden even if the person wanted to tuck it away. 

Many have come to me to talk it thru, to get the negative out of their body. It warms my heart that I am a person that many feel that they can confide in and I am grateful that I am identified as being a person who may be able to help.  I hope that they have come to me because I am usually overwhelmingly optimistic and good at finding solutions, whether they are simple or more complicated problems.  This is what I’ve been told by a few friends anyway, so I hope it rings true with most.  It’s one of the better compliments I’ve ever received. 

But this fall, so many of these problems are beyond my ability to see a clear solution or that silver lining.  I am at a loss as to the help that I can provide, especially when dealing with our own issues.  To take on all this hurt & confusion without being able to provide relief is exhausting & overwhelming.  It’s somewhat exhausting & overwhelming to just write about it now.  However, I would rather be in the loop and help others deal with their emotions than have them keep it to themselves to feel this way alone.  In return, I deal with it by writing it out and trying to find a new voice or reason thru my own words, having a safe spot to be able to speak out my own opinions or anger without being judged or appearing to be casting judgement.

Those that know me well know that writing has always been how I have dealt with such extreme emotions.  I have over 18 journals that I have penned, beginning when I was in third grade.  Many of those were filled between middle school, high school, and college.  The journal I currently write in has been around since 2005.  Only now has it started to fill to the point where I may need to find a new book.  So much of this fall has found its way onto those pages, but I haven't felt the typical comfort.  I still am without solutions.  Now I am trying to rid myself of it thru this blog.  Putting it out there.  Getting the negative out of me.

I’ve also done a lot of praying on my drive to and from work.  It’s an easy hour with no interruptions that I try to focus on giving thanks for the blessings I’ve been given, as well as the blessings that my friends have been given.  I have always found that by being grateful, even when it’s hardest to concentrate on the good things in life, I am provided with a better perspective and vision of where my life should be going.  I also believe that if you open your heart with honest thoughts, God will give you direction. Most often in unexpected ways.

I recently met with a woman that I used to work with in Fort Collins.  I affectionately call her my Colorado Momma because, as a woman in her fifties, she has provided me much comfort and advice during the tenure of our friendship.  We hadn’t seen each other for months and all it took was for her to ask “So how have you been?” for me to unload on her.  All of the weight I’d been carrying around for months – the frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed thoughts came tumbling out.

She reached over & held my hand.  She told me that her favorite piece of advice she ever received came from her grandfather on her wedding day.  That he meant it for marriage, but that it could be applied to so much of what I was describing.

“Just remember that the sun doesn’t shine every day. Don’t let one cloudy day get in the way of thinking tomorrow can’t have sunshine.”

It’s true, the sun doesn’t shine everyday.  But having friends who you can rely on to help hold you up, to help you sort thru the messes of life- that’s the ray that breaks thru the clouds and gives you hope that tomorrow will be brighter.

Following Sherrill’s example, I have stopped trying to help if I can’t see a clear solution.  Instead, I’m doing my best to listen.  Listen and reach over to hold a hand.  Give out comforting hugs.  Reiterate to each of my friends that they are a person who has merit and I value that.  My friends that I confide in have started doing the same, and I feel better.  We are doing what we can to rebuild confidence – especially in those whose confidence has been deeply shaken.  Because with confidence comes the ability to make decisions that are the best choices.  Whether I agree with those decisions or not is not my roll as a friend, and some of those decisions I haven’t agreed with.  I'm sure that they feel the same way about my actions and reactions.  However, my solutions-based-overly-optimistic personal philosophy tells me that if a decision is the best step forward, and it is a step forward, then we’re working in the right direction. Towards the sunshine.

Keys to Happiness*

I drum my fingers.  A lot.  It's become more noticeable the past year with the addition of acrylic nails.  My co-worker has told me that its my "thing".  I hope that means that its something that she identifies as unique to me and that its not the thing that I do that annoys her.

I wasn't aware of this habit until she pointed it out to me.  Once brought to my attention, I attempted to pay attention to what I was doing out of fear that this is indeed the thing that could annoy her.  It took me about 2 days to identify that the tapping happens when I am in deep, deep thought and lost to the world.  The type where I'm standing there, staring in space and you could wave your hand a few feet away and I wouldn't see you.  What I would be doing is rolling my fingers back and forth.

I've pondered this habit and why it happens when I am in such a trance.  The only conclusion that I can come up with is that it is probably a result of the piano.

I took lessons for six years from my mother's best friend.  Every Saturday morning for a half hour.  I would practice during the week for at least a half hour almost every night.  I didn't always want to practice.  On those nights my mom would give the choice of practicing or helping with the dishes.  I hated washing dishes.

I was (and still am) only okay at playing the piano, not great by any means.  However I found that once I stopped taking lessons and started choosing the music I wanted to play, the music that I identified with, I started to enjoy playing.  My piano bench became a place of solitude and serenity, where I wouldn't be interrupted and my thoughts could play out.  My frustrations, fears & joys had a physical feeling when pressed against those ivory and black keys.  Even if I didn't want to share what I was thinking, there was still a sound and that helped make my teenage thoughts make sense.

When in college, I moved into a sorority house that had a baby grand.  To my amazement, none of the girls in the house ever touched it.  It took me 3 months before I worked up the courage to ask our house mom, Mom Laverna, if we were allowed to play on the piano.  She grabbed my arm and asked very excitedly "You play?!" and then practically drug me over to the bench where she opened the seat to revealed books of music left behind by others.  "You should play." she instructed, leaving me to sort thru the pieces collected by the house over the years.

I loved sitting at that piano.  There were many times that I needed that piano then, much like I needed it in high school.  And I loved that after I started playing, other girls started to come and play.  By the time I graduated, there was never a question of if a person was allowed to play the piano.  I hope that others felt like I did, having a piano available helped make that house seem like home.

I haven't had a piano in my home for over 5 years now.  I rarely play when I go to my parent's house, in part because we're often so busy that there isn't much time and in part because I'm mostly at peace with no real reason to isolate myself.  My mom has told me numerous times that whenever I would like my piano, I can have it. Unfortunately, we just don't have room right now.  And to me, a keyboard is not the same thing.

I always identify with songs that feature the piano, especially those that I myself learned to play.  This morning,  my drive provided me with a sucker punch of favorites - November Rain, A Long December, and Turn Me On.  All three were an obsession for me while sitting at the piano bench, and hearing them back to back even in the order that I heard them felt all too familiar.

November Rain was the first difficult song that I felt I conquered.  It was my go to song when I wanted to find a resolution because I could pound my hands against something, hard fast and furious.  But no matter how hard you pushed and pounded, there was still something beautiful about it- that was something you couldn't change.  Having something that you can't destroy, no matter how hard you try, is a rarity in life.  I realize that more than ever today.

A Long December was a song that I loved at a time when I wasn't so self confident and sure of who I was.  It was simple and I could quietly sing along, feeling better that someone had put into words that sometimes its all  a lot of oysters with no pearls - hoping that someday someone would look across a crowded room, that a light could attach itself to a girl.

The Norah Jones songbook was a parting gift, given to me by Kendall weeks before he graduated college.  We had not been together long and he was moving to Chicago for a job.  He  knew I would be sad that he was leaving my life, that we couldn't be sure we would be together or could make a long distance relationship work.  He knew from our short time together that most likely, I would seek solace within the keys of the baby grand. It was possibly one of the most in tune gifts that he has ever given me (pun unintended there).  Turn Me On was the obvious song to learn first and I didn't find myself playing much else.  I still find that I ache inside when I hear it, even tho my prayers sent from the keyboard did come thru.

It was strange to hear the three songs together - especially since I flipped stations between.  To be honest, I don't know if I've ever even played the three together since all were part of my life at different times.  To hear them in such a sequence was unexpected, a little unnerving, but not necessarily undesired.  I found that I didn't want to keep my hands on the steering wheel.  I wanted keys in front of me, I wanted to play back the memories.  Which is especially strange to me because I am not the girl who needed those songs to help cope, or those keys as a crutch and explanation.  I am the woman that grew from that girl, and those memories - good, bad, happy, sad - are all things that I relish, even if the sound that comes with them is lingering.

If you read my blog, you should know this...

So when I said that I took 7 months off, it was a little bit of a lie.  I didn't take 7 months off of writing for my blog, I just never got anything uploaded.  I actually have quite a few musings or ideas that I would jot down when on a plane, or sitting in a hotel room, or when I was just plain bored at home.  Now that I have time, these drafts are going to start to be added.  I just wanted to let you know and will denote that a post is a backlog with * by the title just so you aren't tricked into thinking that the subject is a real time happening.  Not sure why but a warning of this seems like the polite thing to do.

Getting It Done Before the Mayan Calendar Runs Out...

I am stealing this statement from my friend Amanda's blog:  I swear I did not abandon you, I only needed to take a short hiatus from blogging.

And by short, I mean a seven month hiatus. 

Much like Amanda, it was with good reason.  2011 kept me very busy.  So busy, that for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I could barely keep the pace that I was running.  Between the new job with a demanding travel schedule and skill set, trying to continue to serve as our neighborhood "cruise director", keeping the house clean and put together, playing hostess for the many friends and family who came to visit, (not to mention helping a husband heal from a very invasive ankle surgery this fall) writing out updates and thoughts was one furthest things from my mind.  I don't think I even had time for my own thoughts since May until just recently... I felt like I was permanently set on auto-pilot. 

I have missed it - blogging that is.  I never dared to think that any of you would miss my posts (this is directed to my loyal 8 followers;).  It wasn't until my cousin's wife Joanna asked me what happened to my blog while hiking that I realized that some people were interested, and maybe even amused, by my bantering. 

That was last October.  I was still a running a little bit behind this fall...

So I'm back, because its the time of year where you start things over.  And I will admit that I am rusty.  Please forgive me, loyal 8 followers.  I will do my best, and I hope that my best will eventually get better.

On New Year's Eve, I found myself toasting to 2011 for all of the challenges and blessings that it brought to my life.  2011 was not without it's share of moments that were difficult - but I am fortunate enough to see challenges as opportunities.  Opportunities are easily turned into blessings, if you make them into such.  At least that's how I look at it.

For many years I have only made two New Year's resolutions.  Never any more, never any less.  One is to be a simple change in every day life, the other more a philosophical, poignant challenge that will impact perspective.  For example - one year I vowed to learn to pack only 1 bag when traveling (the size of bags could be changed if necessary) paired with the desire to show more appreciation in my every day life.  I have reminded myself to write more detailed to-do lists with realistic deadlines and learn to let things go if it is something that I can not control thru my own actions and decisions.  Last year my goal was to never carry a balance on a credit card and to be more selfish in my actions because I struggled in justifying doing things for just me. 

Usually the simple change happens.  It takes a bit more work to come up with the idea of, not to mention alter, an internal attribute that needs to be confronted.  2012 seems to provide the opposite, as I am struggling to come up with a simple resolution but have easily identified the bigger picture affirmation.

I need to find balance. 

I need to remember to slow down. 

I need to remember to breathe. 
(This is a literal statement, there are times in my life where I forget to breathe because I'm too wrapped up in what I'm doing or watching.  It's usually followed by a sigh of some sort, something that annoys Kendall tremendously.  Or is, at the very least, something that he makes fun of constantly).

I may feel that I need to get things done and get them done NOW - especially since each day is closer to the end of the world (if you follow the Mayan calendar, which so many of us do now-a-days).  But really, do I?  Do I really need to get everything done the minute that I think of it, the minute that it comes across my desk, or the minute that a friend asks me about it? 

No, I don't.  Especially with a memory like mine.  I won't forget about it;)

So here I am, toasting to 2012 with all of the unexpected, beautiful moments to come... and here is me working on finding balance between now and December 21st, 2012.  If the world lasts past then, I will keep working towards it.

My simple, every day resolution has also presented itself to me after re-reading this blog a few times thru.  I really need to stop relying so heavily on emoticons and parathensis. Feel free to call me out on it if you see any in any future blogs, emails, text messages, or so on.   I think you, my loyal 8, know me well enough to know when I am being coy or have an additional side point that I would like to make. I left them in here to prove the point (which is that its annoying;). 

And yes- I did that last bit on purpose but am now really struggling to now put a smilely face on the end of this sentence... this year's resolutions are going to be hard....