All Grown Up

Something strange happened last night.  I watched someone grow up right before my eyes.

I was sitting there, across from my 21 year old cousin Libby, at the Rustic Oven after I had picked her up from the airport to bring her back to school from her winter break.  I had suggested we go out to dinner to catch up on all that had happened over her break.  I sat there listening to her contribute to the conversation topic at hand from her own experiences and found myself caring about the advice she was giving.  Not that I didn't ever care before about what we talked about, but this was the first time that I can recall that she gave me advice - from her own experiences... from her own experiences!  And it was good!!  It was solid!!!  And very applicable to the story that I had led the conversation with.  It was advice, tried and true & I wanted to hear more!

I sipped my glass of Malbec, the same that she was drinking (because the girl finally turned 21 this past summer) intently listening to her continue on, and it dawned on me.  She's grown up.

Whoa.

It actually took me a moment to let that sink into the cortex of my brain.  Let it float around among the electrical synapses that started firing, spreading the message from head to toe, finally reaching my heart.  It was a jolt, resonating a slight panic back up and down my spine.

Panic, because I know how to be the older cousin. I have been that older cousin for about as long as I can remember. For as long as she can definitely remember.  I remember her as the first baby that I was allowed to ever hold by myself, when I was 9 years old.  Probably the first baby I ever cared about or wanted to hold.  As an infant, she received the very first quilt I ever made (hand patched in my Grandma Aylo's basement). I remember showing her how to hold the farm kittens nicely, and then snapping a picture of a two and a half year old Libby holding a kitten upside down.  A four year old Libby sitting on the saddle front of me as we rode my pony Cricket (a death defying stunt if you knew that horse).  A ten year old Libby, with my aunt and my own mom in tow, visiting me at college for my sorority's Mom's weekend. A sixteen year old Libby visiting us here in Colorado to check out Colorado State as a potential college.  Me, crossing my fingers...

Even when she settled on and at CSU, I retained the role of older cousin - a roll that I had honed, but found a way to expand.  This is the role that I have been serving for the past 4 years.  I know how to disclose what I have experienced in my life, how to share and say "this is what I learned, and I would maybe suggest not doing it that way (or you really should do it that way!)" I know how to listen to Libby and communicate to her mother if there needed to be some sort of parental intervention.  I know how to be the in-between between mother and daughter, if I needed to be.  (Yes, I was probably a tattle tale on both sides - I may now have outed myself as the family Benedict Arnold).  I know how to coordinate my laundry schedule to accommodate when she would come over to do laundry, and how if I happened to say "you know, I really need to get rid of this ground beef" I could help provide for Lib and make sure she was eating more than ramen noodles without getting much push back.  I know how to say "Help yourself to anything in the fridge" when she is dog sitting for us, with the correct undertone of "Even the six pack of beer that we may have purchased specifically because we're going to be out of town and you're dog sitting."  I know how to be the driver of a late night grocery run since she doesn't have a car. I even found her a place to live last minute when she ended up not being able to live in the dorms last minute because she was away being a camp counselor in Virginia.  And because of that experience, I know how to tell her to come over and hang out, just to be away from her roommates or have a quiet place off of campus (I didn't pick the best option).

Panic! How is our relationship going to change?!

The panic washed over me, much like the feeling of hot pain I have with wasabi.  But then, as quickly as it came, it was gone.  I set aside that moment of "HOLY CRAP!  She grew up!" and let myself settle into a smile.   Because I know how to be a friend, probably better than the older cousin.  I know she knows how to be a great friend!  I've seen it, I've heard it in the stories she's shared.  I've met her friends.  They're good peeps, and my experiences have told me that you can judge someone pretty well based on the company they keep.

After dinner, we went to the grocery store and picked up her groceries for the next week.  As we strolled the aisle joking about how red cabbage really is purple but is called red cabbage probably because the person who named it was a colorblind asshole of a professor who's students were too intimidated to confront him, I realized that in the end, nothing has changed - even though it feels like to me that everything has changed.  She grew up, right before my eyes. Right before my eyes over 21 years and I didn't let myself see it until last night.  I guess that's my mistake.  Or just how life happens.

She's grown into a fantastic young woman, full of heart and compassion, a sly wit, someone who is up for discovering who she is, a strong work ethic, a person who isn't afraid to ask for help if it's needed, a book worm who has many good reads to recommend, a woman with a casual style that always fits the situation perfectly, and an adventurous spirit. She'll probably be a little embarrassed by me writing this post. And then she'll encourage me to keep writing.  Everything that I would want to have in a friend.


Correction - everything that I do have in a friend.


Today, as I'm sitting here typing - I'm glad that it only took 21 years for Lib to grow up.  I know I'm going to like this girl...err... woman...and I'm glad I realized this sooner than later, because I'll have more time with her.  Probably in another duel role - infusing older cousin/friend together (eliminating the double agent) at least for a little while.  It's a role I know I can handle.  I think I did it justice last night, as I now reflect on  the myriad of topics we discussed.  How Lib, after hashing thru a difficult topic, shook her head with a smile, asked for a bit of older cousin confirmation. "It really doesn't get any easier being an adult, does it?"   I told her then what I speak to now to and from my heart:  My own experience shows that life and it's decisions don't get easier, but I can say without a doubt that this is where life gets to be fun!

Welcome to the ride, Lib.  Welcome to the ride.

Wondering if the Nose should Go

Over Thanksgiving, I discovered that one of my favorite TV shows of all time, The Wonder Years, was on Netflix.  I've been working my way thru the series as I have spent time in hotels for work, putting together Christmas quilts, and finding a way to be lazy after the holidays have passed.

What I love about the Wonder Years is the same thing that I loved while growing up.  Kevin speaks the truth about situations – although I understand this more so now in hindsight.  His observations are poetic, a voice over that we all can identify with.  A voice over that could possibly be placed directly on our own memories.

Today, as I round out the series with Kevin Arnold – I have found the one episode that I didn't remember, but probably speaks louder than others to an emotion I housed in my body growing up. 

Series Episode 108, Episode 16 from Season 6: Nose

The Netflix episode description reads this:

Kevin’s friend, Ricky, falls in love with a girl that has a huge nose. Ricky’s feelings are hurt when he overhears the guys joking about it.

This was something I could identify with.  In high school, the world where you try so hard to fit in, I know exactly what it feels like to have something that so obviously stands out in a negative way.

I loved Hayleigh’s speech that she gives for an English class assignment addressing something that really bothers you about yourself: 

“I guess all of us have different things that bother us, the way we look or the way we feel.  The way people treat us.  For me…

(insert Kevin Arnold Voice over: “Uh oh”)

“…It’s shopping.  See, I look in a store window at the blouses and the dresses and the slacks and the fact is, nothing really goes with a big nose. 

(insert Kevin Arnold Voice over getting a little bit more distressed: “Uh Oh!”) 

“I mean, you can wear dark clothes to look thinner. But here I am with this big nose and it really doesn't matter what I wear.  It’s still there…Sometimes I dream that magically, it’s gotten smaller.  But I know that’s not true. So I guess I just have to put up with it.  I mean, it gives me personality. (jokingly she says)  I have the personality of a girl with a big nose. (quieter now) I guess it’s who I am. And I guess that’s ok.” 

(insert Kevin Arnold Voice over: “It was warm. It was funny.  In the annuals of high school it was perhaps the most honest, the most true, self-aware speech ever given. –pause as laughter breaks out thru the classroom -  It was also something else.  It was the biggest mistake any kid ever made.  By that evening, the Infamous McKinley High Nose Speech was a hot topic.”)   

I completely get how Hayleigh felt. Her statement “It gives me personality.  I have the personality of a girl with a big nose.” is not so far from things that I have told people.  I remember once one of the chef’s at the Des Moines Golf & Country Club told me that he thought I had one of the best personalities.  I was humbled and shrug it off.  I told him thru the expo window “I have a big nose.  I went thru an ugly phase in middle school.  When you’re going thru an ugly phase and you have a big nose, its cliché, but you have to develop a good personality.  You don’t know if you’re ever going to come out of the ugly phase and your nose may get bigger.  My personality is the only thing that can stand out that I want to stand out.”

I made peace with my nose a long time ago.  Again, it is part of me.  It wasn't perfect, but neither am I.  I learned how to make my smile & laughter stand out more.  For those of you who know me, I have a BIG smile & a BIG laugh.  Now that may make more sense – they had to be to override the nose!

However, here’s the thing that sounds very contrary to that statement and may be confusing.  The next time many of you see me – I will look different.  Because I am getting a nose job. 

It wasn't something that I sought out.  I want that to be perfectly clear. 

Well, it’s not something that I sought out directly.

This surgery is a direct result of my dumb ass falling down some bleachers at the ISU/Kansas football game. I was moving forward down the bleachers and looked up to watch Steele Janz on his first big play of the game. I wasn't watching where I was going, I tripped, fell over one empty bleacher seat and cracked the bridge of my nose on the corner of the seat in front of that.  I consider myself very lucky that I didn’t lose any teeth.  As my mom joked with me after the fact “At least it wasn’t your teeth.  I have much more money invested in your teeth than your nose.” (And no- I was not wasted.  I kind of wish that I was – somehow that seems better than me just being clumsy). 

Over the next few weeks, I visited several doctors.  First the ER (the day after).  Then my regular doctor (a week later). Who gave me a referral to an ENT (4 days after that).  Amongst the black eye & the swelling, the prodding and scopes looking up my nostrils, it was established that I deviated my septum, I broke the bottom part of your nose where it meets your gum line, and have other damage to the bridge where your nose connects with your skull.  For a while, I pretty much had a floating nose.

My visit with the recommended ENT went as follows:

“We have three options.  You accept that this happened and this is your nose now– but with the damage you have, I wouldn’t recommend that because you’re going to have problems down the road.  I can schedule you for Thursday for us to reset it so it will be straighter, until you can schedule surgery 6 or more months down the road.  Or, and I tread on this lightly, if you have ever thought about plastic surgery – this may be a way to have a portion of the surgery paid for.”

I thought to myself, I at least owed myself the opportunity to look into the surgery.  If I was looking at a painful surgery where they needed to get up in there anyway to fix what I’d done on accident, I might as well consider it.  This was a “life gives you lemons…” moment if I ever saw one.

That was my initial thought process.  As I drove home from the ENT, the hesitations began to surface. Would I look different to the point where people wouldn’t recognize me?  This was the nose that is in all of my photos – middle school thru my wedding photos.  My nose is part of my identity – I had made peace with it so very long ago and survived.  More than survived; I thrived.  I have some guilt thinking about putting money towards something as self-absorbed as my looks.  But I pay money to go to a gym and work out, something that I do for the exact same self-absorbed reason - to make sure that I look and feel good about myself physically.  Finally, my nose was the way it was because of an accident that I couldn’t control – which made it easier to accept.  A nose job is my decision, something that I could control and choose myself.  What if I didn’t like the “look” I went with?  Could I accept the change – accept that I wanted the change?

After much thought and consultation with those friends and family that I trust to let me talk thru my thoughts, without pushing their own agenda or opinions on me – I came back to the conclusion that, again, it was worth at least looking into.

So I met with the surgeon.  I got a quote.  It’s actually going to be very affordable on my end.  I had pictures mocked up.  The profile looks different, but I still look like me.  To the point where I’m happy and comfortable moving forward.  I’m making lemonade.  I have to think that Hayleigh would approve.

I haven’t scheduled the surgery yet.  I’m waiting for my pre-approval to come thru with my insurance company.  It will probably happen the middle to end of January. 

Some of you may wonder why I’m blogging about this.  I’m telling you all now so that way you don’t have to look at me and think “Did Katy get a nose job?  She had to have gotten a nose job…”  It’s going to be pretty obvious that I did, and I want you to know we can talk about it.  I even expect a little bit of laughter and joking about how it happened. 

And besides, since my nose has always been big - I feel like it deserves a big, very public send off;)