My cure for a Quarter Life Crisis... A little bit of Alchemy

The hard part about having the majority your friends younger than you is having to watch them play thru some of the same hazards, same emotions, same mistakes, and same confusion.  There isn't much you can do to stop it, much like parents can't always stop their children.  As I so bravely (ehem - stupidly) told Mom when I was a teenager "I can't learn from your mistakes if I don't live them out myself."  I think what I meant at the time was the I couldn't learn from her mistakes just because she was saying no and not sharing why and what she learned from her own experiences - but at the same time, sometimes a person just has to live life and figure things out.  It's their life.

I have a few friends that have reached that quarter life crisis.  Call it that if you want. Or, as I think of it, reality just set in.  Life has smacked them right between the eyes.

For those of you who are not familiar with the quarter life crisis, or that its been a while since you've experienced it, its easily identifiable in and felt by most mid-to-late twenty-somethings at one point of time of their life (if not multiple times).  Trademark thoughts running amuck in the head of a person  suffering from the typical quarter life crisis:

• I'm not in college any more.    
• It appears that life is the same, day in and day out. 
• There are bills I'm responsible for and all I can get offered are crappy jobs that I have no real interest in.  So I can't quit, and I can't move forward.
• There are pressures, percieved and real. 
• Life isn't easy and I can't just coast thru it.  In fact, its very hard work.
• I don't have many choices, and the choices I do have to make aren't making that much of an impact.
• I'm trapped, and I'm the one who trapped myself.
• I don't really know who I am or really, who I want to be.  But I know I want to be seen as someone different than I am being seen as right now.

Luckily for the friends that I'm referring to, we live in Colorado and everything is automatically better on a mountain.  I went thru mine in Omaha... Nebraska.... there weren't any mountains to distract me there. 

I'm not sure how I found my way to reading The Alchemist during my own quarter life crisis, but reading that book shortened my anxiety considerably.  The nuggets of wisdom in this beautifully crafted novel made me realize that I was more in control than I thought.  I had the power to make decisions.  Every day.  Even not making a decision was a decision itself. 

This book totes some powerful stuff.  Only pick up if you are ready to change your life. 

I'm not kidding when I say that.

I'd like to share a few of my favorite quotes from The Alchemist for you, in hopes to give you a better understanding. (And I promise that my next blog will not rely so heavily on quotes...two blogs in a row is enough).

From The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo

"What's the world's greatest lie?' the boy asked, completely surprised. 'It is this: that at a certain point in our lives, we loose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.  That is the world's greatest lie."

"...every day was the same, and when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."

"...This wasn't a strange place.  It was a new one."

"...that there was a language in the world that everyone understood, a language the boy used throughout the time...it was the language of enthusiasm, of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed in and desired."

"he still had some doubts about the decision  he made.  But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision as only the beginning of things.  When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."

"...people need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want."

"Because I don't live in either my past or my future.  I'm interested only in the present.  If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man."

"You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend.  If he abondons that pursuit, its because it wasn't true love."

"One is loved because one is loved.  No reason is needed for loving."

 

As an avid reader, there are few books that I routinely re-read.  This is one of them.  There are also few books that I am passionate about having my friends read.  Actually, there are only two that I recommend.  Two that I know have been influencial in helping develop my own personal philosophy of how I look and interpret the world.  The two books:  Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand - which no one ever reads because its 1,000 some pages long.  The other is The Alchemist.  Which everyone should read - no excuses.  Its only 163 pages. 

I look at these quotes and think "I should be able to have a favorite."  But I can't.  They all touch my heart and inspire me.  Equally right now as I type them, with each having been more impactful at different crossroads.

I gave my copy of The Alchemist to a friend last night.  We had just held a lengthy discussion about being in a place of comfort and our perceptions of where we were compared to where we thought we would be.  Thoughts that I recognize as the beginning rumblings of that quarter life crisis.  I told her to come over, that I had something for her to read.  As I gave my paperback copy to her, I wondered how often I will send this book out in the world. 

I hope often.  Not because I wish that my friends need to seek the motivation the words provide, but because the book represents my belief in that answers to prayers and questions come in many different forms, in many different ways.  You just have to keep your eyes open for them.

A Control "Enthusiast" Searches for Patience

Some of you will find this hard to believe:  I am a control freak.

Or- to make it sound a bit nicer because I want it to sound nicer (because I’m a control freak) – we will now refer to it as this:  I am a control enthusiast.

For the most part, I think I wear this part of my personality well.  It hasn’t hindered many of my life decisions, my career, or my friendships.  I believe that it has been instrumental in the building of personal confidence, leadership skills, and my ability/desire to facilitate change. 

For the first time in my life, my control enthusiasm is causing conflict.  I am pushing against a wall that is standing tall in front of me, a wall that I did not build.  My struggle lies in the realization that can not I simply tear it down by myself – even though I can see clearly that it needs to come down.  The control enthusiast in me is doing everything I can do to evoke a change, because that is what I do when confronted with a problem.  But my heart has come to realize that no matter what I do, what I say, how hard I push, the other side will only be seen many months down the road only if all parties buy into the fact that we can tear this wall down together.

So now, I am finding the horrible part of being a control enthusiast, which is probably the part that many control enthusiasts struggle with.  I am struggling to practice patience.

“Patience is waiting.  Not passively waiting.  That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow- that is patience.”  - Anon

“Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold.  You put on more clothes as the cold increases, as that protects you.  As will growing in patience protect you as you meet great turmoil.”  -Leonardo da Vinci

For the past few months, I’ve subconsciously dissected the concept of patience.  I think that there have been many times in my life that I felt like I had practiced patience.  But as spoken in the quotes above, with greater trials comes a greater need.  I am finding that I am fighting my own battle in pushing myself to find this greater patience that I now need.

Patience, for me, has always been situational.  It was listening and not speaking too quickly.  It was searching for the right words and not saying the wrong things.  It was looking at two, sometimes even three different side of things and being the devil’s advocate.  It was practicing compassion and empathy in short term situations when I wasn’t sure I wanted to be that giving of myself.  I am looking at that type of patience and am seeing that it was fleeting, comparatively.

“The keys to patience are acceptance & faith. Accept things as they are, and then look realistically at the world around you.  Have faith in yourself and the direction you’ve chosen.” – Ralph Marston

Acceptance, understanding the world around you, faith.  Although contrary to a typical control enthusiast’s ideology, I read this quote and think that these are things that I have always held inside of me.  I thank my parents for that.  I was raised to have a realistic view of what I could change and what I couldn’t.  I was also raised to believe that there wasn’t much I couldn’t change if I wanted the change bad enough and worked for it.  In the depths of this philosophy is that I was raised knowing that I am responsible, if only, for my actions and reactions, my thoughts & words. 

I’ve always controlled what I could.  Right now, what I am doing doesn’t seem like enough…because I want to see the changes and results now, and it seems like something I should be able to change. 

At the latest, I would like to see changes next week. 

I have to accept that isn’t going to happen.  Patience, Katy.  Patience.

If I am truly practicing acceptance, I have to accept that I may never see the all results that I envisioned there being when I started down this path.   That’s disheartening to think about.  When I let those thoughts settle in, it’s a tough pill to swallow.  It’s then that I doubt my decision of confronting the issues at hand head on. Which is scary for me because I have never felt regret in confronting a challenge head on before. 

“Patience is also a form of action.” – Auguste Rodin

But maybe part of controlling this is coming the realization that seeking out and praying for patience is enough.  The only part of controlling my own actions and reactions, thoughts and words that I will be able to see an immediate change.

I read these quotes and know that I do have faith, acceptance, and understanding.  If these are keys to patience, I’ve already fought most of the battle without even realizing it.  And yes, there are days that I may have some doubts as to taking this route to conquer. At the same time, those thoughts are often brief, overpowered by my belief in myself based on knowing everything that I have conquered in the past.  If I have faith in myself, I can share confidence.  I can do what I need to in order to make sure everyone involved understands this:

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep walking.” – Buddhist Proverb

The Many Colors of Katy

I need help making a decision.  I am in a wedding in September for one of my best friends from high school.  When Kaylene asked me to be in her wedding, I happily agreed and told her it would be an honor to stand beside her and say that I support this marriage.  The next time I talked to her, I had to ask her a question that I hoped she would be honest with me. 

"What color do you want my hair to be at your wedding?"

This may sound funny to most people.  But if any of you facebook stalk me, you will see listed as #3 under my personal interests is "Changing the color of my hair".  I am possibly one of the few woman out there who is proud to admit that my color is ANYTHING but natural, and hasn't been since I was a sophmore in high school.

Kaylene laughed.  She told me that she didn't care, that I always choose something that looks good on  me.  How very un-bridezilla of her.  I appreciate her flexability, but it doesn't help me answer the question. 

So I'm asking for your help.  Honest opinions only.  I'm even providing a nice retrospective of the many colors that I've worn thru the years so that you can see what we're working with here.


This is high school Katy... long blond hair, usually worn curly, with those parted bangs.  (Damn those 90's bangs...)  I think this particular picture was taken sophomore year, right about the time that I started coloring my hair.  I never did anything drastic.  I did just enough during the fall and winter months to make my mousey brown roots match the sun bleached blonde highlights that I got from playing softball.

Now for college.  I was pretty consistent with the varying shades of blonde, only varying the lengths.  I kept it long my freshman year and chopped it (a good 10 inches I think) right before I met Kendall.  And that's when people started telling me that I looked like Baby off of Dirty Dancing.  Which I've been told isn't so bad because no one puts Baby in a corner. I promptly started growing my hair out again.

I believe this was Fall 2002.  This was when I met Kendall. He may have had something to do with the beverage in my hand.

House Party Spring 2003 I believe.

Homecoming, Fall 2004. (And yes, I may have posted this picture because I recognize that this was the skinniest that I ever was and I selfishly want this picture to be on public record;)

Summer 2005 in Thailand.  I loved how the humidity of the climate made my curls form.  What I didn't love was how much my hair stood out.  This was one of the few nights out that I actually wore my hair down when out on the town. I found that when left like this, I would have Thai children (or teenagers...or adults...) come up behind me and quickly pull strands from my head, only to run away as I turned around to confront them.  I was told that the long, blonde, curly hair was seen as a good luck charm.  I still don't see how its considered lucky if you are inflicting pain upon the person who has the hair that you want...

I begain changing my hair more and more frequently after I graduated in December of 2005.  I think that this may have been in part because I was trying to re-establish my own identity in my world that continued to see changes in such short periods of time.

Fall 2006.  Started to get a little bit darker, added a little bit of red.

Fall 2007 - darkest I had ever gone (at that point) and short again.

I should make a side point here, as I look at these past photos and the ones that I have left to upload.  Don't ask me how I make these faces.  Sadly, this is natural (?) when I know there is a camera on me - especially if I have been drinking.  The above photo was taken at my cousin's wedding.  You can guess the state of mind I was in.

Right before our wedding I grew my hair out and went blonde again (Summer 2008).  It was Kendall's request.  Actually, now that I look back I think this may have been the blondest that I ever went. 

By the next Spring (2009) I was back to brunette.  The decision was made in part because I was cutting way back on my personal expenses budget since Kendall was in grad school and also because the vast majority of girls in Colorado wear their hair dark.  Looking at this photo, I should point out that this is the closest I have ever been to my natural hair color.  There are still some highlights in there, so I can't say that it is 100% natural.  When I think back to this time, I remember that I loved not coloring my hair, but hated how flat the color looked.  Definately not a "multi-faceted color" (or whatever Beyonce says in that Lorelle commercial).  I also chopped my hair, another 10 inches, at the inaugural Hairraiser event which donates locks of hair to create wigs for Northern Colorado women with cancer who can't afford to purchase a wig on their own.  Best free haircut I ever got and I am happy to say that I am still involved with the day of planning for this event (will be in it's 4th year this year).

This is Fall 2009.  Dark with undertones of red.  I think this was my favorite.  Kendall will admit that out of all the hair colors I've had, outside of blonde, this is his second favorite.  But he makes sure that he emphasizes that its his second favorite Outside of Blonde.

Oh- and you can make fun of the 50's style flip but there's not much I can do about it.  I try to flat iron my hair completely straight and it still makes an appearance. 

I kept it this color for a long time.  Up until Summer of 2010 (a whole 9 - 10 months!), and that's when I started going a little bit crazy with color.  I don't have great pictures of some of the better ones, but lets just say that for a while there - I loved 'chunks' of color.  There's probably a reason why I didn't keep many pictures... and these are not looks that I will consider for Kaylene's wedding.

I went back to a more normal streak of colors in 2011, although have been going for dramatic changes by going from one end of the spectrum to the other at each hair appointment (about every 2 months).

Spring 2011. Again, at a friend's wedding.  I say that to explain the face.  I blame the wine, not the person.

I should also point out that this past summer was the first since we moved to Colorado in 2008 that I was able to wear my hair somewhat curly again because we had a touch of humidity.  Apparently I need at least 25% for the curls to form.  (Not at all like the 80 - 100% humidity felt in Iowa summers).

Fall 2011 Tailgating at the CSU/Boise State football game.  Back to blonde.  Pair that with tailgating and Kendall's as happy as a clam.

I don't have a great picture of the color that I rocked this fall/early winter.  I went from the above blonde back to a brownish red.  It wasn't quite the same as the above color that I listed as my favorite.  Which is why I think I was ready to try something different again at my appointment two weeks ago.

Finally, here's the color that I have decided to try out for the first couple of months of 2012.  We decided that its the same color as Left Hand Brewery's Milk Stout (the beer I am holding below, and a personal favorite).  It might be the reason why I love the hair color so much.

While the change is a bit shocking (it is the darkest I have ever gone) I  think that this color works on me because its pretty close to my dad's natural color.  You know, if he wasn't bald.

So let me know what you think.  Or maybe, after seeing all these pictures, Kaylene will come back to me with an actual opinion.  Personally, I think that the darker tones fit my personality more now but I also know that Kaylene's family grew up with me being blonde.  Obviously, I'm up for anything and I have 8 months to work my way to any color.

PS- Somewhat related to my love of coloring my hair is my love for wearing wigs or dressing my hair up for theme parties.   When these photos get posted, someone always asks me if this is a new look for me.  Lucky for Kaylene, I know well enough to stay away from the below colors for the day of the wedding.

Although I did kind of rock the pink....

 Tour de Fat 2010.

Dazed and Confused theme party, Spring 2010.  And yes, that is actually my real hair sprayed red and teased into a fro.  As the movie states  "Red's a good color for you, man."

Tour de Fat 2011.