I do know, as I put small amount of thought into it last year when we could see the glow of the High Park Fire on the outer rim of Lory State Park last summer. It was 12 miles away from home, the smell of smoke was thick, there was zero containment, and we were leaving for a family wedding on Cape Cod for 5 days. We knew that there was a very slim chance that the fire would come down in Fort Collins, but just in case the worst possible situation happened… we packed one laundry basket and gave the key to our neighbors. After we returned from vacation, to a fire still burning but no chance of it coming into the city, I returned it to the top shelf of my closet.
Here, just out of reach from almost everyone, is a collection of books. The most important items in my entire life - because they are my life.
I’m not joking. Here’s the proof.
Anyone who has met my Grandpa Melvin would agree that there may be a story telling gene on the Hein side of the family. But the ability to write my life down, on a somewhat regular basis, may also be an inherited trait from the Bell side. You see, amongst this stack of journals is a journal of my great grandfather, W.A. Bell .
This journal here, was gifted to him as well, by my great grandma and documents the days between January 1st, 1946 and Dec. 20th, 1950 – a day where W.A. documented that it was 20 degrees below! I found this journal when we were cleaning out the old farm house after my grandparents moved to town. To say my grandpa was a packrat would be an understatement. It took us WEEKS to sort thru the basement of that house and separate the clutter -stacks of bibles and national geographic magazines- from the important things – a pocket hymn book carried by a family member in the civil war and this journal. Filled with simple, to the point, three sentence statements about each day. The type of details you would expect from an Iowan farmer in 1950. Important details that sometimes were surprising that they could be simplified so.
 |
| My grandparent's wedding day. |
 |
| My Aunt Mickie's birth |
 |
| Aunty Mickie cried a lot.... |
Brevity was obviously a gift of WA’s. It is not one of mine. WA has one book that spans 4 years. Many of my journals contain 1 year, and a few barely can hold 6 months. About the important – and not so important – moments of my life, all written in more than three sentences. A collection that someday I look forward to leaving behind to my great grandchildren – although I’m not sure what they will think of the details that I’ve left behind.
What I hope that they will find and discover about me, especially if they never had the chance to know me personally, is how consistent my life was from the beginning to the end, but also how I wasn’t afraid to change when it was necessary.
Looking thru these books, what is consistent?
1. The first cover page was always game for setting the tone of the book. A statement, a quote – something that resonated with me at that point in my life, that I wanted to include. For example – here’s the inside of my very first journal.
Obviously I have a lot of growing up to do… and I was a weird kid (Snakes are cool, people!) I would also like to point out the death threat in the upper left hand corner to anyone that reads the journal – as well as the tag that Jeff left behind to let me know that he read it.
But as I grew older, you find more things like this:
 |
| The first journal where I started to add quotes, sophomore year of college |
 |
| Senior year college - I didn't add a quote right away, but the post it is from when I first discovered Brian Andreas (one of my favorite artists, and creator of Story People) |
 |
| Summer 2005 before my last semester of college. Felt like big things were on the horizon, and obviously was also reading a lot of Ayn Rand. |
 |
| Quote from my current journal, which is pages away from being finished. |
2. So many of my journals have been gifts, obviously from friends who know me very well. I’ve received journals for Christmas presents and birthday gifts, but also at difficult moments or forks in the road when it was assumed I would need to reflect on thoughts that were to follow. I received a journal from Traci when I was in the hospital the summer after my junior year of high school when it became obvious I wasn’t going to be rejoining her on the softball field anytime soon. I received a journal from Erin for high school graduation. Perhaps the sweetest, most thoughtful journal came to me from Kara after my grandpa’s funeral. I treasure the inscriptions left by the person who gave me the journal, or the notes that others have left behind if I passed the journal around for others to write it. Their words serve as reminders of a time left behind, bringing forward memories of simpler times and friendships. Their words often give me comfort, even today – that they believed in me then and I can carry that faith with me now. Or there are a few that just make me laugh (Emily – Curls do rule, and Cody, yes – my cats breath does smell like cat food - a lesson in reality I'm glad you shared sophomore year in English class).
3. Boys & Men. Dear LORD! I have too many pages dedicated to the opposite sex! Pages upon pages were written about how they didn’t pay attention to me in elementary/middle school, how I was figuring them out both mentally and physically in high school and college, and how any attention or lack of made me feel – let alone the coverage that happened when I was in the midst of falling in and out of love, whether it be a crush or something more significant. Over, and over again. For the sake of laughter, here’s a quick summary:
- My first crushes are still friends of mine – (thank goodness for facebook) which makes the below much funnier and won’t save them from being named. Hopefully they will laugh about the following mentions: Nathan Broghammer (6th grade crush: “I wouldn’t even have to change my last initial if we got married!”), Marty Quint (“Why does every other girl in 7th & 8th grade have to like him too – he’s MY soul mate?!”) & Luke Winn (first high school boyfriend “I really like him, but do I really, like, love him?” ) You can laugh – but you know that you all had thoughts like this. Well, maybe not the consideration I gave to my monogram in sixth grade…. That one is really, um, special… (and shows up several times… geesh)
- Thru 8th grade, I thought it would be "cool" to keep a running list of who I was "going out with" or who I had a crush on. Somehow, these lists and above passages make it easier for me to relate to Kendall's little sister Sadie and how she talks about her crushes (she's currently in 8th grade).
- Some things you can’t recover from, especially when a first love goes bad. Almost every single hurt from then on in every failed relationship, completely unrelated, will be measured compared to that first breakup that took the breath out of your lungs and made you question “Why? What did I do to be treated this way?” … but eventually it does go away. Kind of. My heart still kind of aches when I read those passages.
- My dating has always seemed to follow a trend or theme – which is so obvious now, how the hell didn’t I see it and break the pattern then?! :
- My 6th month stint of dating men who all had names that started with Bs (starting with Bill I-forgot-to-write-his-last-name-down-in-my-diary-so-I-don’t-exactly-remember; Bill was followed by Brody, Cute Ben, another Ben, and a Brandon). I could include Baxter on this list because I had a huge crush on him during this time period, but we never dated. And his first name wasn’t Baxter. But we called him that…. So, yeah? Maybe I should include him?
- Every girl has a name that was jinxed from his birth– they dated several guys under the same name and it never worked out. For me, that name was Dave or a variation of it. There were four Daves/Davids, and even a DJ (a Junior) who pursued me at different times. They were all completely different, and I pretty much just wrote all four of them off. Not just because of the name – I’m not that shallow or superstitious. However, there is a note that I made in my journal about DJ that reads “Yep, another David. Let’s see how this one works.” Obviously it didn’t.
- Musicians or guys I picked up at concerts. I went thru a phase where the only conclusion that can be made is that I was trying really hard to be a groupie. This is not something that I would really like to encourage. And word to the wise – NEVER pick up a guy at a KORN concert (you would think that would be common sense, but during that period in my life, it wasn't...and led to the notable worst date I've ever been on - which is very funny... now). I did always appreciate it when Christen would randomly run into any of them on Kirkwood’s campus or in Iowa City and make sure to send me a text letting me know she ran into them - like a longstanding inside joke.
- Wrestlers and men with facial hair. After all of the above, that’s the type I settled on. Pretty much like every other Iowa girl. And I did find a wrestler, with facial hair….
4. Kendall – there’s a lot written about him in my journals. He will admit that he’s scared of how they paint him. I think that comes from a time where he read one, uninvited. That experience, and that specific time in our life may have left a bad taste in his mouth. But when I read the 7 journals that he has been included in, I see the words that I used to describe what made him different – not part of a dating trend in my life. What made him stand out – even tho we didn’t get along right off the bat. What made me fall in love with him when I knew he was graduating and moving to Chicago, what made me have the courage to tell him “Let’s just give this long distance thing a chance. I just want a chance…” , what we did to make a long distance relationship work, the growing pains that we have felt at times, the times where we were there for each other in very difficult times. The times where we needed to let the other have space so we could figure out who we were as our own person, before we could really be together. I see the years of us growing –into adults, together – and challenging ourselves to be the people who make each other proud. Yes, there are some pages where I describe hurt and confusion at different times, but when I put my pen to paper, it’s specifically to pose questions and come to conclusions. Which the answer has always been, in the good times and the not-so-good, that I love him. It’s as simple -and sometimes - as complicated, as that.
5. My faith. I am not a person who goes to church every week, however I consider myself to be a person who actively pursues spirituality and I have a deep faith in God. I’ve written many prayers in my journal, and have made sure to write my blessings down. To me, it is good to be able to look back over 20+ years and see what I have been blessed with, and how the things that I consider a blessing have evolved and matured. More so, I am proud of the fact that even in times of significant trial, I have been able to keep my head up and recognize that there are blessings that God has given me in each and every day.
Finally…. Speaking of blessings….the greatest of all….
6. My friends. What a blessing that so many of the people that I have written about in my journals are still actively present in my life today! I am truly in awe of this….That the names that I wrote about when I was in 3rd grade all the way thru college are still people who I engage with socially and can write about today. That the words that I have written in the past and continue write about them are filled with love and pride for all that they have accomplished and become. I am surrounded by amazing people! Thank you all for continuing to let me harass you and let me call you a friend;)
So that’s what I feel like is consistent in these journals. Which bears the question, what’s changed?
I would say me. These books, they are my evolution. A documentation of how I’ve changed.
But really… I just grew up.
And continue to grow. Each and every day. I continue to be confronted with new challenges and new thoughts – and because of that, I continue to evolve. I hope that I’m growing a little wiser, figuring out a better way to say what I think and feel, to think about situations that I’m not familiar with, and perceive the world around me. Because it continues to grow as well.
Someday, I hope that my great granddaughter will read my journals, page by page. Unfortunately, the rest of you will miss out.
(Well, unless you attend one of our girls nights at my house where I’ve had about 3 too many glasses of wine and someone puts it in my head that I should read a selection of passages from middle school, all for the sake of laughter and entertainment. That has happened before, and I won’t count it out from happening again.) (I’m sorry Nathan/Marty/Luke…)
So here's to my past - my top shelf. Aptly named, because it is the good stuff.
 | |
| 3rd thru Senior year in high school |
 |
| College journals (added the ISU pom pom for a little bit of flair) |
And Cheers to my present journal, holding down the fort on my nightstand.
And this one, this is the journal that will hold my very near future....
