Some of you will find this hard to believe: I am a control freak.
Or- to make it sound a bit nicer because I want it to sound nicer (because I’m a control freak) – we will now refer to it as this: I am a control enthusiast.
For the most part, I think I wear this part of my personality well. It hasn’t hindered many of my life decisions, my career, or my friendships. I believe that it has been instrumental in the building of personal confidence, leadership skills, and my ability/desire to facilitate change.
For the first time in my life, my control enthusiasm is causing conflict. I am pushing against a wall that is standing tall in front of me, a wall that I did not build. My struggle lies in the realization that can not I simply tear it down by myself – even though I can see clearly that it needs to come down. The control enthusiast in me is doing everything I can do to evoke a change, because that is what I do when confronted with a problem. But my heart has come to realize that no matter what I do, what I say, how hard I push, the other side will only be seen many months down the road only if all parties buy into the fact that we can tear this wall down together.
So now, I am finding the horrible part of being a control enthusiast, which is probably the part that many control enthusiasts struggle with. I am struggling to practice patience.
“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow- that is patience.” - Anon
“Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. You put on more clothes as the cold increases, as that protects you. As will growing in patience protect you as you meet great turmoil.” -Leonardo da Vinci
For the past few months, I’ve subconsciously dissected the concept of patience. I think that there have been many times in my life that I felt like I had practiced patience. But as spoken in the quotes above, with greater trials comes a greater need. I am finding that I am fighting my own battle in pushing myself to find this greater patience that I now need.
Patience, for me, has always been situational. It was listening and not speaking too quickly. It was searching for the right words and not saying the wrong things. It was looking at two, sometimes even three different side of things and being the devil’s advocate. It was practicing compassion and empathy in short term situations when I wasn’t sure I wanted to be that giving of myself. I am looking at that type of patience and am seeing that it was fleeting, comparatively.
“The keys to patience are acceptance & faith. Accept things as they are, and then look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and the direction you’ve chosen.” – Ralph Marston
Acceptance, understanding the world around you, faith. Although contrary to a typical control enthusiast’s ideology, I read this quote and think that these are things that I have always held inside of me. I thank my parents for that. I was raised to have a realistic view of what I could change and what I couldn’t. I was also raised to believe that there wasn’t much I couldn’t change if I wanted the change bad enough and worked for it. In the depths of this philosophy is that I was raised knowing that I am responsible, if only, for my actions and reactions, my thoughts & words.
I’ve always controlled what I could. Right now, what I am doing doesn’t seem like enough…because I want to see the changes and results now, and it seems like something I should be able to change.
At the latest, I would like to see changes next week.
I have to accept that isn’t going to happen. Patience, Katy. Patience.
If I am truly practicing acceptance, I have to accept that I may never see the all results that I envisioned there being when I started down this path. That’s disheartening to think about. When I let those thoughts settle in, it’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s then that I doubt my decision of confronting the issues at hand head on. Which is scary for me because I have never felt regret in confronting a challenge head on before.
“Patience is also a form of action.” – Auguste Rodin
But maybe part of controlling this is coming the realization that seeking out and praying for patience is enough. The only part of controlling my own actions and reactions, thoughts and words that I will be able to see an immediate change.
I read these quotes and know that I do have faith, acceptance, and understanding. If these are keys to patience, I’ve already fought most of the battle without even realizing it. And yes, there are days that I may have some doubts as to taking this route to conquer. At the same time, those thoughts are often brief, overpowered by my belief in myself based on knowing everything that I have conquered in the past. If I have faith in myself, I can share confidence. I can do what I need to in order to make sure everyone involved understands this:
“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep walking.” – Buddhist Proverb
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