A Subpar Blog for Spring Break (Subpar) Snowboarders & Skiers

Ah... it's spring break here in Fort Collins.  The college students have left the campus to retreat to some paradise found via a road trip, the public schools have released their students into the care of their parents, leaving Fort Collins and my office void of noise and chaos. It is quiet and relaxing and quite frankly, I'm pretty much bored because I've gone through what I thought was a very aggressive to-do list already and am not sure what I should create as a new task. 

So I blog.  But I must warn you, with being bored comes lazy thoughts and rants that are probably less than entertaining.  While I do love your commitment to my life, I would recommend that you get out now and spend your time elsewhere.   

Yes, the noise and chaos has left this deserted town and been displaced to the higher altitudes of Summit County's ski resorts. Kendall and I got to experience this first hand as we spent both Saturday and Sunday with friends and family who came out for their own spring break.  It is easy to say that most of the college students on the slopes were not Coloradoans doing the cheap, local vacation thing.  I'm guessing most of CSU and CU students flew South, to escape their everyday view of what has become to seem like mundane mountains.  Or, more likely, to escape the hoards of spring breakers who do not know their mountain manners.

I shouldn't complain.  My favorite spring break trip during college was spent here in Colorado in 2003, drink in hand as I tore up the slopes with six friends and three feet of fresh powder that trapped us on the right side of the Eisenhower tunnel. I can understand where these college kids are coming from, I was very much one of them.  Last I knew, my buddy Luther still had the sign that says "No cleaning of water fowl in the bathtub." that we stole from the motel that we had to stay in when his car broke down unexpectedly at the Colorado/Nebraska state border.  I believe that he has it hanging in his bathroom in New York City.

But now, I would consider myself a Coloradoan.  And as a Coloradoan, I get just a little annoyed when I only get 6 runs in on a powder day because the slopes are filled with people who are spending more time on their butts because A) they decided that this was the perfect time and place to learn how to ski/snowboard OR B) they're too drunk because it's spring break and they think it's AWESOME that you get drunk quicker at higher altitudes ("but I can still drink 10 beers, man!").

There are things that I do enjoy about the spring break crowd.  The music blaring from cars in the parking lot is pretty awesome most of the time and sometimes you pick up the name of a new group to check out.  You can always run into a student who goes to Iowa State and they always, always stroke your ego a little bit by telling you repeatedly that they are envious that you live here.  Everyone is tailgating when they get back to their car and you find a lot more people willing to share a beer if you strike up a conversation. Almost everyone is happy, because they aren't at school.  The only ones who aren't are the ones who are terribly sore or terribly hungover, and you can't carry on a conversation with those people anyway. 

So maybe, if you're still reading, you'll pass these little tidbits of information on to any spring breakers heading my way so that my annoyance is minimized and I, and my fellow Coloradoans, can focus on enjoying all the joys of spring break as listed above, rather than run for the hills to start hiking during this beautiful weather.

*When you drive out and back on I-70, do not speed up and then slam on your breaks when you come to a turn.  You are the one who's driving is causing the back up traffic.  Keep a steady, slow pace that you are entirely comfortable with, downshift into lower gears when going down steep grades,  and no, your breaks are (most likely) not going out so don't yell it out at your passengers.

*  If you've never skied or snowboarded before, fork out the cash and take a lesson.  You're buddy who last skied five years ago is not a suitable substitute and it will well be worth your money to actually learn proper technique so you don't kill the rest of us.

*Pay attention to where you stop.  Do not stop just over a rolling hill.  If you do, it will be a matter of moments before someone comes flying over and either runs into you or runs into someone else trying to avoid you.

*If you're going to cut close to someone (especially on the backside of a snowboarder), let them know by yelling "On your right" or "On your blind side" or something like that.  If you don't let them know, you shouldn't be pissed if they cut over into your path.  My peripheral vision isn't good, man, I couldn't see you so I didn't know you were there. Not my bad.

*Drinking while skiing/snowboard is ok- just don't get wasted.  I almost snowboarded through someone's vomit on Sunday.  Gross and unnecessary.  This isn't Cabo. 

*Realize that there are kids around and they may even be on the lift with you.  It's ok to teach a 6 year old boy how to spit a lugie, it is not ok to describe your spring break sexual escapades in detail to your buddy in front of the same 6 year old. Imagine being the parent who has to explain that on the 3 hour drive home.

*It's cold here.  Or really, it could be cold here.  You're in the mountains in Colorado.  Don't believe that you could actually see ski bunnies wearing bikini tops.  That doesn't happen until May.  Bring layers of clothing and check the weather report before you go out that day. 

*Don't bitch about how expensive everything is on the mountain.  They are resorts and that is their job to try to make money.  If you're trying to do the cheap spring break thing, do like the rest of us and pack a sandwich, granola bar, or instant Macaroni and Cheese.

*If it's your first time on the mountain and you're not having fun because you're falling down all the time, try it more than one day before you give up and complain to every stranger who will listen (aka me) and the rest of your group for the entire spring break.  Don't be that guy.  Because if you are that guy, you suck and you will be talked about when you return.

*Take a map of the mountain when the staff offers it to you.  Do not expect to know what direction is North all the time because you have a great sense of direction.  I guarantee that you are wrong.  You're in the mountains. 

*Play nice with the locals and tip well.  Ok- this is more of the hospitality thing coming out of me, but the hourly employees working at resorts do not make tons of money and the cost of living is pretty high.  And for those of you who don't know, you should tip based on percentage of bill not just $5.  And if you sit there for 2 hours after you finished your meal, throw in a little extra for taking up their table when they could have been making more money.

*Try the beer (and I don't just mean Coors Light).  Colorado has amazing breweries and you should take this chance to try something and be open to something different.   Don't be afraid to ask for suggestions.  Most of us know how to find something close to what you will like if you give us ideas outside of saying "I like bud light and miller light and coors light sometimes."


So, if you all do your part and let all of your college-age friends know these little tidbits (because I know you all have soooooo many college-aged friends right now), I will return to the mountain this weekend.  And I promise that I will yell out "SPRING BREAK!!!" with the best of them.