To All the Moms Out There

I tend to avoid facebook on holidays.  Part of that is because I’m either usually working (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter) or doing something ridiculous with our friends and family (4^th of July block party, Memorial Day shooting, Labor Day Tour de Fat).  The other part is that status updates on holidays are exhausting to me.
It’s all the same.  Well wishes.  Shouts of joy for the holiday.  The desire to share with the hundreds of acquaintances who are not physically included in your own holiday plans.  It’s all the same, and to me- that’s a little bit boring.
However, the one holiday that I love to read status updates on is today.  Mother’s day.  Because everyone ‘s status is different.  And because of this, it has made me think of many different things today:

Different ways to express love. 

I think of the mothers I have in my life.  There are many “mother figures”, but really only one mom.
 
We have not always had the best relationship.  Those teenage years were hard for both of us.  I didn’t always understand my mom.  She didn’t understand me.  I have pages upon pages of journal entries as proof.  We both threw our hands up in the air at times and said “Whatever!” and just walked away  from each other.

I’m glad we found a way to come back.

Now I think back and I realize how much my mom gave of her own time to let my brother and I gain experiences and skills.  I calculate the many hours she spent schlepping me to piano lessons, dance classes, 4-H, the library, sleepovers, sports practices, and babysitting jobs.  And when I got my license, the stress of figuring out transportation may have been relieved, but now she had a driver on the road (and not a very good one at that).   I realize that she wanted me to have these experiences, it was important to her for me to have these experiences so she made it a priority over other things that she could have done with her time – things that she would have probably enjoyed more. 

My mom has always made us a priority.  In subtle ways.   In not so subtle.  She has always had our best interest in mind, even if we disagreed about that fact at the time.  She’s very good at pointing out different ways of looking at things.  “Did you think about it this way, Katy?”  “Yeah… but what about this?” This used to drive me nuts – because it often pointed out a thought or situation that I hadn’t thought of myself.  It made me question myself.  But this tool taught me the art of consideration.  When enacted tactfully, it makes sure that I know that my opinion or stance is 100% accurate to how I feel before I put it out in the world.  It helps me to be  empathetic to situations and people.  It allows me to see that there are many shades of gray between black and white.  It enables me to understand that there are many different “right ways” out there, and very few wrongs.  I may not have understood her intentions, then – but I appreciate what it has given me now.

Last year, on a visit back home, I found and brought back with me a book that mom gave me when I graduated from high school.   The book is a short fable called “Will You Still Be My Daughter” by Carol Lynn Pearson.  The book itself is a great reminder of how the mother daughter relationship grows and changes over time, but the reason why I needed to carry it with me to Colorado, the reason why I read it when I need an ego boost lies in the inscription that my mom took the time to pen on the inside cover:

“To my daughter –

I know you are strong enough to face the storms and droughts that are ahead in your life, for you have shown that you are idealistic, independent, and just a touch stubborn… I’m pleased to see those traits, as they will carry you.  And if you ever find a time that’s “too much”, please remember that I’m there with you, somewhere, somehow, perhaps hidden in your shadow.

Love,  Mom”

As I get older, the ways that I have needed my mom have changed.  But she is always there, a phone call away.   She has given me advice, she has given me pep talks, she has told me that she is proud of me and that she knows I’m doing the best that I can do.  The way that we have expressed our appreciation for each other has changed over the years.  I finally found the ability and place to where I can say thank you, I needed you then.  I need you now.  No matter what I throw at you, you continue to step up to the plate and hit it out of the park. 

Mom, you rock.

And I will call later today to tell you that.

When it comes to Moms, everyone has different experiences & different emotions. 

The word Mother’s Day does not bring a smile to everyone.  To some, at first mention – it brings a reminder of hurt, or of longing.  In many different capacities.  We often forget about the people who harbor this feeling on Mother’s Day.

My “Aunt” Marilyn (who is actually my mom’s cousin) posted this today on her Facebook Status, a further explanation of what I am acknowledging:

The Wide Spectrum of Mothering by Amy Young

To those who gave birth this year to their first child this year – we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.
To those who experienced loss thru miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away – we mourn with you.
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment – we walk with you.  Forgive us when we say foolish things.  We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own  mother – we acknowledge your experience.
To those who lived thru driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.
To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day.
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you long for it to be.
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths.
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be – we grieve with you.
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you.
To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that children in your heart.
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising – we anticipate with you.

This is Mother’s Day.  We walk with you.  Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst.  We remember you.

                                                                                                                                                                                                          

I have  friends who are posting pictures and memories of their mothers, who are no longer with us.  One, posted a picture of his mother (who passed in a car accident when he was young) and wished that when alive, she would have let them take more pictures of her as that is all they have left.  Another friend shared a picture of her mother laughing, an important memory because her mother was on the losing end of a battle with depression. 

I think about how we nearly lost Kendall’s mom to lung cancer in 2009.  I think about what it would be like if we were only able to share her memory on mother’s day, rather than continue to experience and grow in our relationship with her.  Somehow I can’t fathom that feeling.  My heart goes out to who do not have the ability to call up their mother and say “Happy Mother’s Day”.

I know people who are struggling with infertility, who would be amazing parents.  I struggle to understand why God won’t give them the ability to have a child.  I pray for them, and I pray that they will find peace in their hearts during the difficult months and know that whatever the outcome, the end result will be a stronger love.  Even at the end of the day, it’s a stronger love between husband and wife only.

I know others who do not have relationship with their mother, by choice. Today, filled with so many status updates, is a reminder of mother that they never had.   I also pray for peace in their hearts, as I know this is the best decision for them because a relationship with their mother would be toxic or bring sadness into their lives.  I stand with them in these decisions; you are a stronger person because of this choice.

Yes, there is a wide spectrum when it comes to mothers.  We should never forget this.

Different (& Consistent) Doubts Moms & Moms-To-Be Have

This year in particular, I am appreciative and perhaps , a bit more reflective.  I have reached the age where a large majority of my friends have children, have a bun in the oven, are trying to get preggers causally, weren’t trying but hey – life threw a surprise at them, are desperately trying,  are talking about when the “right time” will be, or are vocally stating that they are never to be parents because they are sick of people asking them when they are going to start having kids.  I am watching and I am listening, not quite sure where I fit in.

I turned 30 this past fall, and I will say that was the first time that I thought to myself “Well, now I have to at least start to listen to that biological clock.  I won’t be able to hit snooze on that sucker forever.” 

This is a scary thought for me.  I actually am trying to ignore it a little bit longer.  We’re not ready – not yet.  For those of you out there who feel comfortable asking “So when are you going to start popping out kids?”  - I’m publically saying “Not yet” for you.  Please stop asking.

I know that one can never really be “ready” to be a parent.  It’s something that you learn as you go.  Having a preconceived “How I’m going to parent” plan is seems somewhat ridiculous.  But people do it!  This amazes me, especially when I hear stories from new parents.

Again, I’m at the age where so many of my friends are experiencing parenthood for the first time.  Thank goodness they decide to share!  Facebook statuses and blogs are huge influences to continue with birth control.  There are stories that horrify  me, not because I disagree with a parenting choice – but because my friend was put in that situation to start with.  I admire the friend who put her 2 year old daughter in a timeout in the frozen food aisle of Target because that was where she started her tantrum.  I can’t imagine having that patience.  Which is why I know I’m not ready to sign on as a parent yet.

And yet, she doubted if this was the right decision. All moms seem to doubt themselves.  Why is this?

Those who have been thru the toy filled trenches and survived will often say the secret lies in the mother’s handbook credo: “Be present.  Be consistent. Do the best you can in the moment.  Forgive yourself when hindsight turns out to be 20/20 because you did the best you could in the moment.”

I buy into this credo, I’m just not sure if I have the strength of mind to remind myself of it in the place of a tantrum…yet.  But for those  you who are dealing with toddlers, ten year olds, and dare I say the worst of the worst – teenagers… I hope that you able to find comfort in this credo.  See the below if you need an additional pep talk.

Different Ways to Laugh

You’ve seen the Kid President, right?  Well, I love this kid.  Mom is WOW upside down.  Thank you for the reminder.

Kid President: An Open Letter to Moms

Everyone has Different “Moms”

I may have one mom, but she had some help along the way.  Thank you to my surrogate moms: Grandma Marie, Grandma Aylo, my Aunts Nancy, Debbie, Vicki, Marilyn, Micky, Michelle, and my “Aunt” Marilyn.  You’ve loved me since I was born – or very close to it – and are in so many of my memories.  You’re contributions to helping me find me are thanked and appreciated as well.  I couldn’t get away without including you in this post.

And to the Moms that I have picked up along the way: House Moms Mom Laverna and Mama Lo, my mother-in-law Linda, Grandma Ruth, and my Colorado Momma Sherrill – the love that you have given me during my “adulthood” has enriched my life.  You are special to me and I hold you in my heart today.

 

So in short... Happy Mother's Day to All!  We love you to the moon and back.